Friends Forever?

Most of us would claim that relationships are one of the important things in our lives. Even if we discard boyfriends or girlfriends with alarming regularity, or we've traded an old spouse for a new one, or we spend way more time with our MacBook than with our so-called friends, we at least pretend to value relationships above stuff.

This is partly because, in theory, a relationship--especially the strongest bonds, like parent/child or husband/wife--will endure longer than any material object. Fortunes come and go, fame is fleeting, jobs change; but we hope that at least one special person will always be there for us. We pledge to our spouse to be there "till death do us part." Relationships matter because relationships endure. True wealth is being rich in relationships.

So I was struck by the total lack of support from any loved one for Bernard Madoff at his sentencing hearing in New York yesterday. (Read about it in the WSJ or the FT.) There was no one there to support him except his attorney, who is paid to be there. According to the WSJ, he "appeared without a single member of his family in attendance." Furthermore, in the days leading up to the sentencing hearing, Judge Denny Chin received more than 100 letters from victims of the fraud urging a tough sentence, but not a single letter or statement of support for Mr. Madoff.

Now, no doubt Mr. Madoff committed a heinous crime, carrying on the largest financial fraud in history for over 15 years, and evidently since his arrest he has not fully cooperated with the authorities trying to unravel the fraud, contributing to the maximum sentence of 150 years he received. He apparently deceived even his own wife and sons, who would normally be expected to stand with him through thick and thin. There is no way for a bystander like me to understand the sense of hopelessness of his victims, many of whom went from wealthy to paupers overnight, or the betrayal felt by his family.

But, still. Even murderers usually have someone--a mother, a brother, a friend--that stands with them for emotional support, not defending them or condoning the action, but being there to say "I care." Did Mr. Madoff not have a rabbi who could provide religious support? Did he have no friends who were unaffected by the fraud who were willing to stand with him while the victims excoriated him in public, to silently say by being there, "you are still human"?

Certainly during the boom years of the fraud, Mr. Madoff had a lot of friends. He had yachts and homes; he offered fancy dinners and expensive gifts; he ran in high circles. I guess we could say more accurately that his money had lots of friends; Mr. Madoff himself was perhaps more lonely. I wonder: which of my friends like me, and which like what I have to offer them? Who am I friends with only because I like their stuff or status, but I haven't even bothered to really get to know them?

I don't know what I would have actually done had I been a friend of Mr. Madoff's; but sitting here from afar, it seems like the Christian thing to do would be to stand with him as the abuse was heaped on him, to pray with him and for him, to assure him that despite his terrible deception, God still loves him. I wonder if I would have the courage to do that.

Most of us will never face such a situation. Instead, we have relationships with people who run into more common problems: kids that make bad decisions; friends who get into financial or other trouble; a spouse who lets us down. Similarly, we will run into our own troubles--a lost job, a stupid decision, a health challenge. I hope I am building the kind of relationships that will leave me with someone standing behind me, even when most have abandoned me. I hope that I will have the courage to stand behind my closest family and friends, even if their own actions have got them into predicaments that I don't approve of. "Friends are friends forever" says the old song--no matter what.