Most of us would claim that relationships are one of the important things in our lives. Even if we discard boyfriends or girlfriends with alarming regularity, or we've traded an old spouse for a new one, or we spend way more time with our MacBook than with our so-called friends, we at least pretend to value relationships above stuff.
This is partly because, in theory, a relationship--especially the strongest bonds, like parent/child or husband/wife--will endure longer than any material object. Fortunes come and go, fame is fleeting, jobs change; but we hope that at least one special person will always be there for us. We pledge to our spouse to be there "till death do us part." Relationships matter because relationships endure. True wealth is being rich in relationships.
So I was struck by the total lack of support from any loved one for Bernard Madoff at his sentencing hearing in New York yesterday. (Read about it in the WSJ or the FT.) There was no one there to support him except his attorney, who is paid to be there. According to the WSJ, he "appeared without a single member of his family in attendance." Furthermore, in the days leading up to the sentencing hearing, Judge Denny Chin received more than 100 letters from victims of the fraud urging a tough sentence, but not a single letter or statement of support for Mr. Madoff.
Now, no doubt Mr. Madoff committed a heinous crime, carrying on the largest financial fraud in history for over 15 years, and evidently since his arrest he has not fully cooperated with the authorities trying to unravel the fraud, contributing to the maximum sentence of 150 years he received. He apparently deceived even his own wife and sons, who would normally be expected to stand with him through thick and thin. There is no way for a bystander like me to understand the sense of hopelessness of his victims, many of whom went from wealthy to paupers overnight, or the betrayal felt by his family.
But, still. Even murderers usually have someone--a mother, a brother, a friend--that stands with them for emotional support, not defending them or condoning the action, but being there to say "I care." Did Mr. Madoff not have a rabbi who could provide religious support? Did he have no friends who were unaffected by the fraud who were willing to stand with him while the victims excoriated him in public, to silently say by being there, "you are still human"?
Certainly during the boom years of the fraud, Mr. Madoff had a lot of friends. He had yachts and homes; he offered fancy dinners and expensive gifts; he ran in high circles. I guess we could say more accurately that his money had lots of friends; Mr. Madoff himself was perhaps more lonely. I wonder: which of my friends like me, and which like what I have to offer them? Who am I friends with only because I like their stuff or status, but I haven't even bothered to really get to know them?
I don't know what I would have actually done had I been a friend of Mr. Madoff's; but sitting here from afar, it seems like the Christian thing to do would be to stand with him as the abuse was heaped on him, to pray with him and for him, to assure him that despite his terrible deception, God still loves him. I wonder if I would have the courage to do that.
Most of us will never face such a situation. Instead, we have relationships with people who run into more common problems: kids that make bad decisions; friends who get into financial or other trouble; a spouse who lets us down. Similarly, we will run into our own troubles--a lost job, a stupid decision, a health challenge. I hope I am building the kind of relationships that will leave me with someone standing behind me, even when most have abandoned me. I hope that I will have the courage to stand behind my closest family and friends, even if their own actions have got them into predicaments that I don't approve of. "Friends are friends forever" says the old song--no matter what.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Staycation
My wife and I marked our anniversary last weekend by taking a "staycation" right here in Atlanta. At a charity auction last fall we had won a two-night stay at the Marriott Marquis in downtown Atlanta, so we used it to celebrate our 13 years of wedded bliss. Thanks to the inlaws for taking charge of the four bambini while we were away!
A "staycation"--vacationing at home--is enjoying a moment of popularity right now because of the financial advantages of not having to pay for journey expenses. But we experienced another benefit of staying close to home--the chance to see our own city in a new light. We had been downtown many times before--our hotel room had an excellent view of the office building in which I spent about nine years of my professional life--but always with a particular task or destination in mind, after which we turned right around and headed back out. This weekend, by contrast, we could just hang around and see what is going on during both the vibrant party hours of Friday night and the relatively calm mornings of Saturday and Sunday.
Downtown Atlanta is certainly more lively than its reputation allows, but it is not yet ready to be mistaken for New York or Chicago, either. The streetscape suffers from the years of growth and development when the car was put at the center of planning, and so many blocks of downtown are fronted by nothing but parking decks. The scale of buildings and intersections is huge, designed to be admired from afar as you drive in; Atlanta has a glittering skyline seen from your car as you zip along the freeway, but get up close and it is like you are seeing the backstage supports for the set of particularly large-scale movie. There are exceptions: the historic Fairlie-Poplar district, which of course was developed before the automobile, has a more human scale. But overall, when walking around one feels a bit out of place, as if intruding on an industral site.
There is also the unfortunate issue of the Downtown Connector, the freeway that bisects the city and separates the leafy residential neighborhoods from the concrete core. Venture across one of the bridges that spans this river of asphalt, though, and the city is downright pleasant. Both mornings, we walked across the Baker-Highland Connector bridge to Highland Bakery on Highland Avenue. It is only a 15-minute walk but you seem to have entered a different town altogether. The leafy streets, the presence of residents of all types--young, old, single, families--the repurposed old buildings: this part of town has a human scale, and thus is a welcoming environment. It helps too that Highland Bakery has fantastic baked goods, delicious breakfast items, and quite good coffee, too.
After breakfast Saturday morning we walked the streets of Inman Park near the bakery, admiring the century-old homes that have been lovingly preserved and updated and envying the walking lifestyle that these old neighborhoods allow. It was peaceful, fun, and just as different to us as a trip to a faraway city would have been.
So embrace the newfound thrift of our times, and instead of lamenting your lost vacation this year, get out of your routine and your well-trod path to discover a new section of your home city. You might be pleasantly surprised at what you find.
A "staycation"--vacationing at home--is enjoying a moment of popularity right now because of the financial advantages of not having to pay for journey expenses. But we experienced another benefit of staying close to home--the chance to see our own city in a new light. We had been downtown many times before--our hotel room had an excellent view of the office building in which I spent about nine years of my professional life--but always with a particular task or destination in mind, after which we turned right around and headed back out. This weekend, by contrast, we could just hang around and see what is going on during both the vibrant party hours of Friday night and the relatively calm mornings of Saturday and Sunday.
Downtown Atlanta is certainly more lively than its reputation allows, but it is not yet ready to be mistaken for New York or Chicago, either. The streetscape suffers from the years of growth and development when the car was put at the center of planning, and so many blocks of downtown are fronted by nothing but parking decks. The scale of buildings and intersections is huge, designed to be admired from afar as you drive in; Atlanta has a glittering skyline seen from your car as you zip along the freeway, but get up close and it is like you are seeing the backstage supports for the set of particularly large-scale movie. There are exceptions: the historic Fairlie-Poplar district, which of course was developed before the automobile, has a more human scale. But overall, when walking around one feels a bit out of place, as if intruding on an industral site.
There is also the unfortunate issue of the Downtown Connector, the freeway that bisects the city and separates the leafy residential neighborhoods from the concrete core. Venture across one of the bridges that spans this river of asphalt, though, and the city is downright pleasant. Both mornings, we walked across the Baker-Highland Connector bridge to Highland Bakery on Highland Avenue. It is only a 15-minute walk but you seem to have entered a different town altogether. The leafy streets, the presence of residents of all types--young, old, single, families--the repurposed old buildings: this part of town has a human scale, and thus is a welcoming environment. It helps too that Highland Bakery has fantastic baked goods, delicious breakfast items, and quite good coffee, too.
After breakfast Saturday morning we walked the streets of Inman Park near the bakery, admiring the century-old homes that have been lovingly preserved and updated and envying the walking lifestyle that these old neighborhoods allow. It was peaceful, fun, and just as different to us as a trip to a faraway city would have been.
So embrace the newfound thrift of our times, and instead of lamenting your lost vacation this year, get out of your routine and your well-trod path to discover a new section of your home city. You might be pleasantly surprised at what you find.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
The Art of Slow
The May 2009 issue of Monocle carries an interview with Bruno Contigiani, the Italian founder of the Art of Slow Living movement. (Article available here online for subscribers. If you are not a subscriber, you can find Monocle at Barnes & Noble or Borders in the Current Affairs magazine section.) The focus of the article is Contigiani's imaginary "last meal," but what caught my attention was his definition of time:
Contigiani was not born knowing this; in fact, he was a hard-charging PR executive in Italy with a schedule that many of us would recognize: "with every minute packed with activities," he says. But 10 years ago, on holiday in southern Italy, he was seriously injured when he dove onto a rock in the water. During his long recuperation, grateful for his survival, he realized that most people, including him, were not making time to do the important things in life. So he started the Art of Slow Living movement, devoted to appreciating life each and every day.
Remember the Present Tense way to happiness: REM--Relationships, Experiences, Memories. Be rich in these, and you will have a life well lived, whether it is long or short. Let the measure of your life not be found in the area of your house, the balance at your bank, or the letters in your title. Let it be instead be in the number of people who call you friend, the sum of minutes you spend around the table with your family, or the number of stories you can recall of good times passed.
And finally, remember too what Bruno Contigiani says about eating (emphasis mine):
Time is defined by the realisation that you do not live forever. When you move slowly, you live life better.It is counterintuitive, but true: once you come to grips with the fact that you will NOT live forever, that time really is a limit on your life, then you are free to slow down. Once you admit you can't do everything, no matter how hard you try, then you become free to change your focus to doing things well, like Bruno Contigiani does, instead of doing more things.
Contigiani was not born knowing this; in fact, he was a hard-charging PR executive in Italy with a schedule that many of us would recognize: "with every minute packed with activities," he says. But 10 years ago, on holiday in southern Italy, he was seriously injured when he dove onto a rock in the water. During his long recuperation, grateful for his survival, he realized that most people, including him, were not making time to do the important things in life. So he started the Art of Slow Living movement, devoted to appreciating life each and every day.
Remember the Present Tense way to happiness: REM--Relationships, Experiences, Memories. Be rich in these, and you will have a life well lived, whether it is long or short. Let the measure of your life not be found in the area of your house, the balance at your bank, or the letters in your title. Let it be instead be in the number of people who call you friend, the sum of minutes you spend around the table with your family, or the number of stories you can recall of good times passed.
And finally, remember too what Bruno Contigiani says about eating (emphasis mine):
I try to eat healthily but I am not militant about it. We are not trying to live to 140 years of age. We just want to make sure that we stay healthy.Eat well, and don't feel guilty about it. Life is good--enjoy it!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Introducing Weisure
Continuing our look at CNN.com's special series on work-life balance, I point you to this article that introduces a new word to the lexicon: weisure. As you might be able to guess, weisure is a melding of work and leisure; weisure time is spent doing a little bit of both, like checking your Blackberry messages at your kids' soccer practice. According to the article, weisure is fast becoming a lifestyle choice, in which it is usually ambiguous whether you are working or living; you are doing both, 24-7, easily switching from one to the other at will.
In many ways weisure is a welcome innovation. If you are a member of the creative class in the knowledge economy, whose job it is basically to think, you already know that work is doesn't always fit neatly into defined time boundries. You don't just turn your brain off at 5 pm (I hope), and good ideas have a way of popping into your mind at odd times. The rise of technology that allows us to capture and share these ideas, when and as they happen, undoubtedly is a good development that boosts efficiency.
In fact, I think fully embracing the weisure lifestyle is very alluring, particularly if you have an employer that supports it. Think about it: what if you could do your work whenever and wherever you wanted. Want to spend the summer at your family's cabin in Maine? No problem, we're paying you for your ideas, not your presence. Decide to move the family to Hilton Head for the slower pace of life? Great, just keep doing the work and check in at HQ once a month. You're a night owl but not a morning person? Fine, we won't schedule any meetings before 11a. It would take self discipline, an understanding boss, and explicit, measurable performance metrics, but it is certainly a compelling vision. (And similar in concept to the Results-Only Work Environment practiced at Best Buy and other companies, as explained here.)
But there are a couple of reasons for caution in embracing the weisure lifestyle. The first is reflected in a quote by author Dalton Conley in the CNN.com article:
Suppose you take a one week vacation, and you notify the office of your intent to check your email and phone messages once during the week, on Wednesday. Which is more likely to happen: (a) you are so relaxed that you forget to check messages until Friday; or (b) the little blinking red light draws you like a moth to a flame on Monday, you discover an urgent issue that "requires" your immediate attention, and you end up spending an hour a day of your vacation on work issues? You see the problem: the balance between work and leisure in practice can easily end up much more lopsided than you intended. In fact, we may end up with"worksure" rather than "weisure"--the work is much more prevalent than the leisure.
The second caution about embracing the weisure lifestyle is to realize that we do not live in a vacuum. If you are all you have to worry about, then by all means embrace working and living 24/7. But most of us--I would say all of us, even the unattached among us--have relationships of some kind with other people, and those other people often ask for, and even need, our UNDIVIDED attention. When there are no boundries on our time, it becomes very hard to give that undivided attention. As cool as it is that our offices can now fit in our palms, if carrying that "office" prevents you from holding the hand of your toddler, or embracing your spouse or significant other, or lending a helping hand to your elderly parent, then what is the point? The office in your palm will not comfort you when you are lonely, or cheer you up when you are sad, or encourage you when you are weak. The work will not love you back, no matter how much you love your work.
So embrace the weisure lifestyle, counting your blessings that you live in an era when you are able to take control of your time to an extent unthinkable to workers just a generation ago. But beware lest that technology allow the work you are trying to balance instead grow to new levels unimaginable to you and the loved ones around you.
In many ways weisure is a welcome innovation. If you are a member of the creative class in the knowledge economy, whose job it is basically to think, you already know that work is doesn't always fit neatly into defined time boundries. You don't just turn your brain off at 5 pm (I hope), and good ideas have a way of popping into your mind at odd times. The rise of technology that allows us to capture and share these ideas, when and as they happen, undoubtedly is a good development that boosts efficiency.
In fact, I think fully embracing the weisure lifestyle is very alluring, particularly if you have an employer that supports it. Think about it: what if you could do your work whenever and wherever you wanted. Want to spend the summer at your family's cabin in Maine? No problem, we're paying you for your ideas, not your presence. Decide to move the family to Hilton Head for the slower pace of life? Great, just keep doing the work and check in at HQ once a month. You're a night owl but not a morning person? Fine, we won't schedule any meetings before 11a. It would take self discipline, an understanding boss, and explicit, measurable performance metrics, but it is certainly a compelling vision. (And similar in concept to the Results-Only Work Environment practiced at Best Buy and other companies, as explained here.)
But there are a couple of reasons for caution in embracing the weisure lifestyle. The first is reflected in a quote by author Dalton Conley in the CNN.com article:
"For the first time in history now, the higher up the economic ladder you go, the more likely you are going to have an extremely long workweek."The shift over the past century from the rich being called "the leisure class" to being known as the "creative class" (implying creating, i.e. work, rather than leisure) is a topic for another time. For now, I simply point out that once it is established that you CAN work everywhere, it is not a big leap to believing you SHOULD work everywhere. And as you strive to draw the line between work and leisure, when there is a conflict, which one usually wins?
Suppose you take a one week vacation, and you notify the office of your intent to check your email and phone messages once during the week, on Wednesday. Which is more likely to happen: (a) you are so relaxed that you forget to check messages until Friday; or (b) the little blinking red light draws you like a moth to a flame on Monday, you discover an urgent issue that "requires" your immediate attention, and you end up spending an hour a day of your vacation on work issues? You see the problem: the balance between work and leisure in practice can easily end up much more lopsided than you intended. In fact, we may end up with"worksure" rather than "weisure"--the work is much more prevalent than the leisure.
The second caution about embracing the weisure lifestyle is to realize that we do not live in a vacuum. If you are all you have to worry about, then by all means embrace working and living 24/7. But most of us--I would say all of us, even the unattached among us--have relationships of some kind with other people, and those other people often ask for, and even need, our UNDIVIDED attention. When there are no boundries on our time, it becomes very hard to give that undivided attention. As cool as it is that our offices can now fit in our palms, if carrying that "office" prevents you from holding the hand of your toddler, or embracing your spouse or significant other, or lending a helping hand to your elderly parent, then what is the point? The office in your palm will not comfort you when you are lonely, or cheer you up when you are sad, or encourage you when you are weak. The work will not love you back, no matter how much you love your work.
So embrace the weisure lifestyle, counting your blessings that you live in an era when you are able to take control of your time to an extent unthinkable to workers just a generation ago. But beware lest that technology allow the work you are trying to balance instead grow to new levels unimaginable to you and the loved ones around you.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Having It All?
I stumbled across an online series on work-life balance on CNN.com this week, entitled "HAVING IT ALL: Work-Life Balance". There are several interesting topics covered in the articles in this series, and I'll comment on a few of them in the next couple of posts. But let's start with that title.
HAVING IT ALL. Is that really the goal? I believe that trying to have it all--the unchecked desire to accept no limits on money, stuff, achievements, status, hobbies, or time--is the genesis of the rat race. We want all the work we can get, without sacrificing our home life or hobbies. We want leisure to pursue our hopes and dreams, without sacrificing our career ambitions. But there are only 24 hours in the day, and the number of our days is limited, so we can't have unlimited wants. Thus every day we face micro choices with our time and attention that reflect the macro dilemmas of our lives: career vs. children; status vs. spouse; work vs. play; finances vs. friends. Presumably a series on work-life balance should help us decide NOT to try to have it all, but rather to have just enough: just enough work to satisfy our ambition, and just enough life to satisfy our soul. Finding that dividing line is an intensely personal quest, and where to draw the line is often difficult to discern.
Present Tense Living is not about having it all, it is about deciding what you WILL have. Many of us are blessed with a wealth of opportunity and choices: jobs, where to live, choices of stuff, travel, hobbies, etc. We can choose, and choose we must. If your ambition is strong and leads you to a demanding career that requires long hours, then by all means go for it--do your best, do it for the Lord, and don't look back. But make that choice fully aware that your choice means you won't be able to have the same family life, or pursue the time-consuming hobbies, of someone who chooses a slower track. To pretend otherwise will only frustrate you.
Similarly, if you choose a slower lane on purpose in order to leave plenty of time for cultivating relationships and hobbies, then don't lament you relative lack of material resources and long for the material goods that you can't afford but the person working twice as much can. We can't "have it all"--both time and money with no limits--and so we must learn to be content with what we do have, once we have been explicit about the choices we make.
So don't get caught in the trap of trying to have it all. It's impossible, and you have to be deliberate about where you draw the lines in your life. Make sure you choose where to draw them; don't let someone else draw them for you. To the extent that a series on work-life balance can help us make that decision, then it will be a welcome tool indeed.
HAVING IT ALL. Is that really the goal? I believe that trying to have it all--the unchecked desire to accept no limits on money, stuff, achievements, status, hobbies, or time--is the genesis of the rat race. We want all the work we can get, without sacrificing our home life or hobbies. We want leisure to pursue our hopes and dreams, without sacrificing our career ambitions. But there are only 24 hours in the day, and the number of our days is limited, so we can't have unlimited wants. Thus every day we face micro choices with our time and attention that reflect the macro dilemmas of our lives: career vs. children; status vs. spouse; work vs. play; finances vs. friends. Presumably a series on work-life balance should help us decide NOT to try to have it all, but rather to have just enough: just enough work to satisfy our ambition, and just enough life to satisfy our soul. Finding that dividing line is an intensely personal quest, and where to draw the line is often difficult to discern.
Present Tense Living is not about having it all, it is about deciding what you WILL have. Many of us are blessed with a wealth of opportunity and choices: jobs, where to live, choices of stuff, travel, hobbies, etc. We can choose, and choose we must. If your ambition is strong and leads you to a demanding career that requires long hours, then by all means go for it--do your best, do it for the Lord, and don't look back. But make that choice fully aware that your choice means you won't be able to have the same family life, or pursue the time-consuming hobbies, of someone who chooses a slower track. To pretend otherwise will only frustrate you.
Similarly, if you choose a slower lane on purpose in order to leave plenty of time for cultivating relationships and hobbies, then don't lament you relative lack of material resources and long for the material goods that you can't afford but the person working twice as much can. We can't "have it all"--both time and money with no limits--and so we must learn to be content with what we do have, once we have been explicit about the choices we make.
So don't get caught in the trap of trying to have it all. It's impossible, and you have to be deliberate about where you draw the lines in your life. Make sure you choose where to draw them; don't let someone else draw them for you. To the extent that a series on work-life balance can help us make that decision, then it will be a welcome tool indeed.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Eat, Drink, and be Merry
This blog preaches a lot about living in the moment and enjoying every day. Who is actually doing it? The OECD has released their latest survey (2006 data) of time use in developed countries, and the Economist has printed a chart here showing two of the key lifestyle components for various countries. On the horizontal axis is total time sleeping per day, while the vertical axis represents the total time eating and drinking every day.
My first observation: who knew Americans sleep so much? Nearly nine hours a night, according to the chart, only 15 or 20 minutes less than the world-beating French. One question for the OECD: whom did you interview here? Most people I know seem perpetually tired and are lucky to get anywhere near 8 hours a night, let alone close to nine. Perhaps that's because the majority of my friends have small children, which are proven sleep destroyers. But seriously, if almost nine hours is the average, who are the people getting more than that?
My second observation: Vive la France! To come top of the chart in either one of sleeping or eating/drinking would be reason for pride, but to top the league tables in both is truly a feat to be commended. This opens up many questions for further study, such as: is the sleeping related to the drinking? Does anyone in France work? Did they count the time Americans spend eating in their cars?
I like the title to the Economist chart, which alludes to "simple pleasures." They are indeed; sleep is free, and getting enough improves life in so many ways. We have to eat to live, of course, but to take time to eat a proper meal, savoring the food and enjoying the company of those with whom you are eating it, is a life-affirming use of precious minutes in your day.
Let's do our part to boost America's standing in the world: eat at the table with your family or friends, slowly and well, and go to bed early tonight!
My first observation: who knew Americans sleep so much? Nearly nine hours a night, according to the chart, only 15 or 20 minutes less than the world-beating French. One question for the OECD: whom did you interview here? Most people I know seem perpetually tired and are lucky to get anywhere near 8 hours a night, let alone close to nine. Perhaps that's because the majority of my friends have small children, which are proven sleep destroyers. But seriously, if almost nine hours is the average, who are the people getting more than that?
My second observation: Vive la France! To come top of the chart in either one of sleeping or eating/drinking would be reason for pride, but to top the league tables in both is truly a feat to be commended. This opens up many questions for further study, such as: is the sleeping related to the drinking? Does anyone in France work? Did they count the time Americans spend eating in their cars?
I like the title to the Economist chart, which alludes to "simple pleasures." They are indeed; sleep is free, and getting enough improves life in so many ways. We have to eat to live, of course, but to take time to eat a proper meal, savoring the food and enjoying the company of those with whom you are eating it, is a life-affirming use of precious minutes in your day.
Let's do our part to boost America's standing in the world: eat at the table with your family or friends, slowly and well, and go to bed early tonight!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
What is Essential?
Well, a week of spring break, followed promptly by a week or more of illness, and suddenly I find it's been a month since I wrote in the blog. Writing was not the only thing that fell behind; when one is fighting a sinus/lung/bronchial infection, one must be choosy about where to expend one's limited energy and attention every day.
Thus I quickly each day established the absolute must-do priorities each day to make sure I got those done before the funk set in. As it turns out, the truly essential does not always take long to accomplish each day. This frees up time for more prosaic activities--for me, unfortunately, it was resting and nose blowing and trying to get rid of headaches. But the point is, there is plenty of time in the day to do both the necessary and the desirable--it just takes discipline to identify the essential and get it out of the way first.
I've proved to myself yet again that time management isn't about scheduling or list-making; it's about priorities. What is it essential that you accomplish today? What else are you doing with your time? Why?
Thus I quickly each day established the absolute must-do priorities each day to make sure I got those done before the funk set in. As it turns out, the truly essential does not always take long to accomplish each day. This frees up time for more prosaic activities--for me, unfortunately, it was resting and nose blowing and trying to get rid of headaches. But the point is, there is plenty of time in the day to do both the necessary and the desirable--it just takes discipline to identify the essential and get it out of the way first.
I've proved to myself yet again that time management isn't about scheduling or list-making; it's about priorities. What is it essential that you accomplish today? What else are you doing with your time? Why?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)